Failed Evangelion Merchandise
by TheJadeArcAngel
Summary: This is based off a FFX fic with the same theme: basically, a bunch of junk that never quite made it to the shelves ( THANK GOD )


Neon genesis Merchandise that never got off the shelves….actually, they never got off the production floor….  
  
The Life Size Kaji Doll: this fully "articulated" doll comes with all Kaji's scruffiness, unkempt clothing and rugged charms. WARNING: Doll WILL hit on you, boy or girl, but hey, this is Kaji! Who are you to resist eh?  
  
  
  
ASUKA'S BIG BOOK OF PUT-DOWNS: with this three hundred page collectors item on your shelf you will be assured the perfect insult for your spineless, whiney houseguests who have issues with there fathers.  
  
  
  
End of Evangelion Shinji: Comes complete with "ejaculation" action…  
  
  
  
See & Say Rei: This pull-string doll comes fully loaded with plenty to say. (DOLL DOSE NOT CONTAIN PULL-STRING)  
  
  
  
MAGI COMPUTOR SYSTEM: Now you too can hack, encode and analyze Angels just like the show with these completely accurate MAGI compuor systems. WARNING: USE OF THESE COMPUTORS WILL TRIGGER A NATIONAL INSPECTION AS TO WHY AND WHERE YOU GOT THEM- USER BEWARE. MAGI computer downloads limited to 56K on standard modems, may not use APPLE software and comes with a 100-hour trial of AOL. "DUDE, YOU'RE GETTING A MAGI"!  
  
  
  
CLONE-KIT: With this easy to use cloning kit you too can create spare parts for your Eva dummy plus systems, as well as resurrect lost loved ones: WARNING: LOST LOVED ONES MAY RETURN DISSOREBTED AND CONFUSSED. CLONES MAY NOT DRIVE UNDER THE INFLUENCES, OPPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY OR PILOT AN AIRCRAFT.  
  
  
  
THE LONGINUS LANCE TARGET KIT: Kit includes: 1 Lance, 1 Areriel Angel, and one mind-fucked Asuka. CAUTION: Lance has a 99.9% chance of landing on the lunar surface. If lost no refunds may be issued.  
  
  
  
NANO AKAGI FIGURE, Complete with "Choke-hold" action and "suicide-dive" blood that disappears with warm water.  
  
  
  
"BIG-PIMMPIN" KAJI comes complete with "Shinji-bitch' figure  
  
  
  
COLLECTORS EDITION EVANGELION: This special figure comes complete with entry plug suite, 10 gallons of LCL and is fully pose able…and is life sized. WARNING: Use of this figure is not advised unless you have a sync ratio of 50%. All cases of insanity and homicidal intention while within the Eva are not grounds for refunds.  
  
  
  
Rei Aiyanami Sings, VOLUME 1: Comes complete with the hit single "You Old Hag".  
  
  
  
KAWRU: Yes now you too can take home all the heavenly goodness of the 17th Angel for yourself….yeah, you heard me.  
  
  
  
Eva size -1,200- NIKE shoes: Yes now your Eva can crush angels in these new sleek running shoes from NIKE.  
  
  
  
Punchey-Time Asuka: This mechanized Asuka figure is trained in 34 versions of the deadly arts and once activated will become IMPOSSIBLE to shut off. WARNING: Punchey-Time Asuka may cause serious injuries to all children under the age of…hell, this thing goes after ANYBODY, no matter the age!.  
  
  
  
EVA-Care KIT: This kit includes everything needed to maintain you massive all-purpose humanoid fighting weapon. Kit includes: Turtle Wax, to keep your EVA spotless and shiny when your beating an angel to a bloody pulp in a berserker rage. Penz-oil A-B Positive cleaner, cause that organic engine's going to need to be beating fats and strong. 10 sturdy EVA-Grade diapers: you never know when your mech could develop an "accident" in the Launch-bay at 3:54 in the morning.  
  
  
  
The See & Say GENDO doll: Pull the string and hear Gendo say how worthless you are…over…and over…and over again. STOP YELLING AT ME FATHER!  
  
  
  
Rei Aiyanami Sings, VOLUME 2: Contains the smash hit "I Just wanna be ya' cloned lover"  
  
  
  
WASABEE BEER: the Beer of Child Guardians everywhere.  
  
  
  
ASUKA'S FUN WITH BOXING GLOVES KIT: Gloves are covered in broken glass  
  
  
  
IDIOTS GUIDE TO INSTURMENTALITY: A 789 page book that can clearly and easily explain the WHOLE process  
  
  
  
Adam in a Box: CAUTION! ADAM MAY REQIURE FEEDING  
  
  
  
ADAM AND LILITH IN A BOX: KEEP THE TWO SEPERATE!!! DEAR GOD…  
  
  
  
Rei Action Figure, "Action" not included  
  
  
  
The NEW "GENDO APPROVED" BIBLE: I aint touching this one…  
  
  
  
GENDO PLUSHIE: An authentic stuffed Gendo plushy for your very own to hug…or RIP TO PIECES! DAMN YOU…  
  
  
  
Maya Doll: Doll sits there looking cute  
  
  
  
EVA-Jeans: The last thing you want is to be going down the street only to look up and see a huge eva's….never mind but you get the idea!  
  
  
  
Misato's big book of sexually explicit photos: PICTURES MAY NOT HAVE BEEN TAKEN WITH SAID PERSONS PERMISSION AND WHOEVER BUYS THIS MAY BE PRONE TO "INVASION OF PRIVACEY RIGHTS"…wait a second, Misato? Katsuragi? Nevermind, buy away…  
  
  
  
EVA PLUG-SUITE: What's that ya say? Gotta "go" and there no bathroom around? We got ya covered…  
  
  
  
BARDARIEL PLUSHIE DOLL: CAUTION, DOLL MAY ATTEMPT TO POSESS OTHER TOYS.  
  
  
  
The EVA-05 BIG BOOK OF "HOW TO SERVE ASUKA"  
  
  
  
GeoFront Kit: A shovel, some gloves and a map  
  
  
  
Self detonation Rei in Unit 00: OH COME ON NOW!  
  
  
  
N2 MINE: WARNING! MINE MAY OR MAY NOT BE FAKE  
  
  
  
JET ALONE MODEL KIT: WARNING! Unless password is entered this mech will go berserk and rampage until it detonates. PASWORD SOLD SEPREATELY. 


End file.
